My blood type is coffee.
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[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
OKAY DAD
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me