Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
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Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.