Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I think this cat is broken
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?