I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
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Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My dating profile:
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
this is the best day of my life
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.