Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
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[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
necessity is the mother of invention
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.