Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Is fructose made with real fruct?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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