Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes