Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety