COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining