Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
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No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Namaste
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.