Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”