Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands