Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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Support your local cemetery
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.