a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Just a reminder, folks:
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.