Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze