Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
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[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product