imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.