2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
some things should go without saying
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery