Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
You Might Also Like
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑