I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?