[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
mood
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.