Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
BETRAYAL
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.