Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean