If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.