From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
You Might Also Like
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I want to meet the individual who made this