When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
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You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”