just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
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“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
My favorite farside!!
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.