cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted