If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
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My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Life is a suicide mission.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.