got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
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If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.