Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Autocorrect is my menesis
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
*pokes sex life with a stick
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.