Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
How it started: How it’s going:
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…