Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?