[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.