Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
You Might Also Like
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The glory of fall.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.