Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.