Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
You have been warned.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.