FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.