Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.