My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*