me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
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Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Just a reminder, folks:
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur