#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I think the cat got the dog high.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.