if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Put a ring on it
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]