Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
You Might Also Like
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral