As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.