*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
dutch is not a serious language