Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Just how popey was the pope today?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.