TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Can’t stop laughing
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
In space, no one can hear…
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.