If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
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My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.