I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
When a shoelace touches your ankle
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
This could’ve been an email.